Tears in my Heart
by Ikuni Hattori
Summary: Tsunade's thoughts after news of Jiraiya's death reaches her.  After the destruction of Konoha. Sad.


Tears in the Heart

It wasn't fair. Why were you gone? Why did you have to leave? You idiot. You promised me that you wouldn't leave, that you would never leave me!

You liar.

Why did you have to go? Couldn't it have been someone else? They could have gone in your stead so you could be with me. . .here. . .now. . .you know it's the anniversary of their deaths.

Dan, and Nawaki. . .they both wanted to become Hokage, never me, and look at what it's come to. . .

You know I did this for you. Only for you. And they knew that. Those senile, crotchety elders knew that if you were to come and ask me, I would accept!

True, a little persuasion was needed, but that knuckleheaded Naruto took care of that. You know he's just like you when you were younger. Loud, obnoxious, and always yearning for your female teammate's attention. Being the troublemaker, of course you would try all sorts of devious tricks. . .by gods, Jiraiya, can't you see how broken up Naruto is? How broken I am without you here?

Of course no one but you could go. You are the Master of Spying, after all, although I had to learn it the hard way. And then you learned to never spy on me. Why did you have to go? The Akatsuki could have waited, would have waited! Why aren't you here with me right now?

I miss you.

Why didn't I go with you? I could have been there to heal you when you were injured! I could have saved you! Why did you leave me?

Why did you have to die? Why did you have to sacrifice yourself for a village who doesn't appreciate you?

I know. It seems like I don't appreciate you. When you act out of line or act like the lovable goof that you are, I would send a verbal or physical barrage at you. I knew you could take it. You have been ever since we were kids. But you kept coming back to me. You figured out that I best showed affection through violence. And you kept coming back.

You always came back.

You didn't come back. You left me! Why did you have to leave? Why couldn't someone else-no, it had to be you, only you.

The elders saw how close we were, didn't they? Afraid of another coup d'état, is that it? Afraid that we were conspiring against them? That's why they sent you, isn't it? Isn't it?

I should have known better. This village has done nothing for me except to take and take and take until I have nothing left to give! They took Dan! They took Nawaki! They even took the old man from us too! And now they've dared to take you away too! I have given up everything for this village. I don't want to do this anymore!

I have to, don't I? I can hear your voice whisper in my ear for me to calm down, that it's an honor to die for this village because the civilians still look up to me, that the children still look up to me.

I still gamble. I still sneak out to wager some money, I still lose it all. I play the lottery, knowing that anything I win—which will be a bad omen indeed—will never exceed the salary I receive as Hokage. I will gamble anything away, everything but you. You were—and still are—too precious to me to gamble away. But I knew that if I had tried to stop you, you would have gone out anyway, without me knowing.

I should have stopped you. At least I would have tried.

Damnit, Jiraiya why did you have to go and get yourself killed? It's not fair!

Why did you go, why did you leave me? Why did you leave?

Why did you leave?

You left.

You idiot.

You know I'm going to try to drown myself in sake. You know it. No one will be able to stop me. You, of course, could easily distract me from my drink. You could get me away from it for hours on end. But you're not here. You can't help me now. It'll be your fault if I die from liver failure!

But then I'll be able to see you again. Maybe I should drown myself in sake. It would benefit so many people! Danzo will have me gone, Naruto's next in line to be Hokage, and Sakura's learned almost everything I can teach her.

Oh gods, Naruto and Sakura. They're just like us when we were younger, aren't they? With their teammate, Sasuke, it's just like when we were genin, with Orochimaru.

Speaking of that snake, I can't believe that he's dead. And now, you are too. Am I really next? Will we be that same trio of genin when we're reunited? Where we are all friends, before any of us split up. . .

Or will we be like we are now? Bitter towards each other with trust issues?

I want us to be Team 7 again. With both you and Orochimaru and Sarutobi-Sensei. I can envision you and the Hebi just waiting there for me, you with your arms wide open, with the Old Man in the background. Why can't we be like that again? Life was so much simpler back then.

But the Old Man is in Hell. He gave his soul to try to stop Orochimaru. Stupid Old Man. Stupid Hebi. Stupid you.

I mustn't cry. I should be strong, so Naruto can cry, so Sakura doesn't keep looking at me with pity and concern.

You know, don't you? She's probably up there with you right now, but I suspect she's been catching up with her uncle. Shizune was killed in battle, recently, and both me and Sakura have cried plenty for her.

Will I see Dan, when I got up to Heaven? Will I see my brother, Nawaki? I know there's no chance for me to see my father, or my grandfather, The First Hokage. But when I die, will I see you?

Will you wait for me?

Will you wait for me?

When I die, I WILL see you again. That is my promise to you, Jiraiya.

I love you, Jiraiya.

I'll be seeing you. . .

FIN

* * *

So, I don't own anything of Naruto. That all belongs to the wonderful and ingenious Kishimoto Masashi. So me no own, you no sue. ^.^

Plus, if you do sue, the only thing you would get from me is my laptop, my Sesshoumaru plushie, a Naruto Shippuden DVD, and my college tuition, which actually isn't even mine, so you wouldn't get it anyway. .

But I was bored and on the verge of sleep when I thought this up. .

If there are any spelling, send me a pm about it, please. If there is any chronological significance off in any part, I'm then ignoring it and then saying it deviates from canon. Anything else, please review. . .T.T

With no beta for my stories, I would love any and all feedback, even if it's to say that my writings are horrible and I should quit writing forever (which will probably never happen, because my sister says my writings are crack for kids. . .I don't know, I say Cocoa Puffs [which I don't own either], is crack for kids. . .

Bye!


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